Month: July 2016

Essential Oil Cologne

For those that question my commitment to this blog, I spent last night making concoctions in my kitchen, rubbing them over my hairy body and forcing my wife to sniff and snort my epidermis to see which of these colognes turned her into a puddle of pleasure.

I’m not going to lie – a few of the blends were disastrous to the senses. My “woodsmen” was more like a lumberjack’s asshole and my “David Hasselhoff” was hardly the Baywatch edition I was hoping for. It was more like the drunk, eating a hamburger off the floor edition Hasselhoff. (That’s a thing…google it)

So why essential oils colognes? Here are a just a few simple reasons:

  1. Most colognes are alcohol based – which means they will dry out your skin (which we have already learned is bad) and also evaporates quickly (which means the smell doesn’t last.) This, of course, does not apply to the guy that wears Drakkar Noir because that smell is never, ever, ever wearing off. At least it pairs well with the scent of his recent divorce and the year he peaked, circa 1993.
  1. Secondly, let’s look at a typical cologne ingredient deck:

Does any of that sound like something you should be spraying on your already decaying body? Trendy colognes are a toxic waste dump. It’s time to go all-natural.

So here they are…two tested and approved, all-natural colognes, guaranteed to get your dinky stinky or your money back.



  • Get a 10ml Roller Bottle (they are super cheap)
  • Fill it about 7/8 full of Jojoba Oil (or other non-scented carrier if you prefer)
  • Add Essential Oils Recipe
  • Shake well and rub it on wrists, and neck. (Avoid clothing!)







Essential Oil Blends are like the ménage a trois of aromatherapy. They are new and exciting. There are a lot of moving parts, different smells…mmmmm…they are so soft, so smooth…ooh yeeeah…you are a naughty one aren’t you?  I don’t think that finger goes there little missy…

Wait, what? What were we talking about?

(Clears throat) Ummm right, oils. Blends can be great…(mmm, really great). But don’t think that you always need a hot threesome to get pleasure from an oil. There are plenty of monogamous essential oils that offer incredible health benefits, smell masculine and will become your go to wingman in a crunch.

As always, the oils I recommend are for men. These are lumberjacks had sex with ninjas had sex with Mother Nature smelling oils:


(Remember to always mix with a carrier oil before applying directly to the skin)

Sandalwood: This rich and woodsy scent has a sweet note which makes it a favorite for high-end fragrances. Sandalwood has been used for millennia to instill a sense of inner peace and confidence. Sandalwood is also considered an aphrodisiac.

Uses: calming, stress reducer, dry skin, scars

People that smell like Sandalwood: Tom Hanks, Abraham Lincoln and Robert Downey Jr.

Cypress: This clear and refreshing scent has a masculine quality. Sandalwood is very popular in blends but can also be used for its deodorizing and astringent qualities.

Uses: mental focus, astringent, antiseptic, deodorizer

People that smell like Cypress: Sean Connery, Eddie Murphy in Trading Places (rich, not homeless character), Walt Whitman

Frankincense: This spicy and earthy scented oil is known for its spiritual and healing properties. Listen, it just sounds rich – the ladies will love it.

Uses: Reduce negative emotions (for those of you with weird mommy issues), great for overall skin health, immune health

People that smell like Frankincense: Robert De Niro, Jesus, Liam Neeson

Cedarwood: Nothing smells better than the rich, woody aroma of cedarwood. A grounding and calming oil, it is a favorite for diffusing.

Uses: anti-inflammatory, astringent, dandruff, stress

People that smell like Cedarwood: Lionel Richie, Nick Offerman, James Bond

Peppermint: It may remind you of a 9th grade French kiss, but peppermint can be much more than that. Peppermint is invigorating, refreshing and can even help with motion sickness.

Uses: nausea, headache, freshen, revitalize

People that smell like Peppermint: Leonardo DiCaprio, Leonardo da Vinci, and (oddly) the full cast of Dawson’s Creek

Citrus (Orange/Pink Grapefruit/ Lemon): Alright this is more like a category, but most men love the fresh smell of citrus. The truth is I diffuse Pink Grapefruit more than anything else. So man up and enjoy the power of the fruit.

Uses: cleansing (both emotional and your nasty bathroom), digestion, curbs food cravings

People that smell like Citrus: Lemon farmers, people who love oranges, most Popes

This list is far from complete and I will probably do a round 2 write-up at some point – but this will help get you started in your quest for oil monogamy. Enjoy!






A few lucky men become lumberjacks and firemen. For the rest of us, we sit in a small office or cubicle next to a guy named Kevin who likes to bring in leftover Indian food for lunch. On the other side we’ve got Jan eating baby carrots like a goddamn rabbit!  JUST COOL IT WITH THE BABY CARROTS JAN!


Let me guess, you would define your office interior decorating skills as “minimalist” meaning you are sporting a dirty coffee mug and a calendar from 2014. Might I make a suggestion? You spend 8 hours a day in that neutrally-hued carpet-walled prison, why not do yourself a favor and have it at least smell nice? (And let’s be honest, you can only blame your farts on Kevin so many times before Jan clues in. Plus, it might be nice to have a little something masking the brown air biscuits you are tossing out after lunch.)

The way I see it, you’ve got a few options.

  1.  You can go to Walmart and buy yourself a glade plugin or whatever the hell this is…air_fresh(No seriously, what is this?  If you have one of these in your office, home or cubicle you need to question your life choices at a foundational level.)
  2.  You can buy some sort of toxic air spray that will choke you, last for roughly 28 seconds and  alert the entire office you released a trouser cough.
  3.  I suggest the last choice. You can diffuse essential oils and make your work domain smell like a man.

All jokes aside, smells can have a big impact on our mood, focus and mind. Our brains reaction to smell is more powerful than any other sense. Just think of your favorite place in the world, or maybe your favorite Christmas memory – one of the first things your brain does is try and recall the associated scents. Smells can help us relax, elevate mood, focus and even horny…(Slow wink. Article to come.)

So I recommend moving that old coffee mug, throwing away the old calendar and slapping down a mini essential oil diffuser on your desk. The best part is that you can do so with your man card fully intact. Because the scents that I have on this page are manly to the core, pleasing to the sniffer and guaranteed to mask the hottest brown cloud you can muster. (Not really…I would still blame Kevin when they come out hot.)


  • The following blends are meant to be used in a cold-air diffuser. These diffusers usually require a small amount of water to be added, along with the oils. (Usually around 70 mL)
  • Follow the manufacturers directions on your diffuser.



  • 2 drops Orange Essential Oil

  • 2 drops Peppermint Essential Oil



  • 2 drops White Fir Essential Oil

  • 2 drops Cypress Essential Oil

  • 2 drops Wintergreen Essential Oil



  • 3 drops Orange Essential Oil

  • 2 drops Cinnamon Bark Essential Oil

  • 1 drop Clove Essential Oil



  • 3 drops Frankincense Essential Oil

  • 2 drops White Fir Essential Oil

  • 1 drop Cedarwood Essential Oil



  • 2 drops Vetiver Essential Oil

  • 2 drops Cedarwood Essential Oil

…And might I suggest some noise cancelling headphones for Jan..AND HER F@!#ING BABY CARROTS!



We’re men. We do stuff. We lift something to say we did. When we see a rock, we throw it. We hit the gym, play a round, go for a ride and shoot some ball. Then we come home and complain about how sore we are from doing that awesome shit.

Then you reach an age when you wake up sore and come to the sad realization that your soreness is not a result of being a bad ass, it is just a result of you getting out of bed.

The good news is that there are some awesome essential oils out there for when your muscles need some mending. These are penetrating blends – so be careful when you apply. If you itch an eye, or God forbid your balls – you will feel the burn of a thousand fires in your underoos.



Making Essential Oil Blends

Alright Gents, making essential oil recipes and blends is a lot like 8th grade chemistry class without Mrs. Hairy Chin Mole telling you what to do. You will need a few supplies which come on the cheap. It really is easy, here we go…

Step 1: Get the Gear 

You will need to buy a few simple items, namely amber bottles and a funnel. You can get these for next to nothing online.




Funnels are as cheap as $1.50 on Amazon 




Amber bottles are $7.50 for a 12 pack on Amazon

*Amber bottles are used for the same reason your ice-cold beer uses amber bottles – keeps it fresher longer.

Step 2: Get a Carrier

In most recipes you will see that it calls for a CARRIER oil. You will need this because (if you paid attention in that chemistry class) oil and water don’t mix. Plus, most essential oils are meant to be diluted and not applied directly to the skin.

The carrier oil will be your base for things like beard oils, face oils, massage oils, etc. The carrier oils I recommend are just that, recommendations. If you like something else, go ahead my adventurous friend- just make sure the oil is cold-pressed, meant for essential oils (don’t use vegetable oil from your kitchen) and it is decent quality.

Helpful Tip: Carrier Oils like Jojoba and Argan do not leave an oily residue. Make sure to use these types of oils for face oils, beard oil and skin oils. 

Step 3: Mix It Up! 

Use the funnel to fill up your bottles and then follow recipe. Put the cap on and shake it like a Polaroid picture (line cred, Outkast). I told you it was easy. Always spot test the recipe on the back of your hand to ensure you do not have an adverse reaction to it.


Voila! You are making Essential Oil Blends, you chemist you. 

Helpful Tip: When you smell an oil straight from the bottle just know it will smell significantly different when diluted/applied to skin/ or diffused. Lavender stinks like your Grandma’s bra when sniffed straight from the bottle, but when blended with the right partners it can add a nice calming tone to the blend.




Essential Oil Bug Spray – Nothing is more manly than camping. The sharp tang of a fire, the brisk wind rustling through the trees, the crickets making their enchanting booty calls. Now let’s pause this beautiful scene and take a break to spray a chemical filled, nauseating, blindness inducing toxin all over me and my kids to stop the onslaught of bloodsucking, virus inducing, six legged vampires from draining me of my lifeblood.

Ah yes, the joys of the outdoors. Lucky for us nature has given us plenty of bitch slapping bug repellent – here is my personal favorite. It’s natural, it’s clean and it won’t have you smelling like the ass end of an Aquanet factory.




As the old saying goes. “Some Father’s teach their sons to shave…others teach them to be men.”

Beards. Nothing goes better with man than a beard. Inherently sensual, beards are nature’s way of reminding us that there is still a primitive animal trapped within our weak, domesticated bodies. Beards carry with them the sense of reverence and wisdom, and a few crumbs.

But too often good men rocking the Gandalf, the Amish, Chin Curtain or Klingon…Respectable sons sporting the Honest Abe, the Professor, Grizzly or El Bandito – find their facial treasures unkempt, undernourished and wholly forgotten.

There is a thin line between sexy and homeless in the world of facial hair. But alas, there is hope. Beard Oils are all the rage – even my local grocer is selling a hipster priced bottle of beard oil. The good news is that you can make your own Beard Oil for a fraction of the cost, that smells magnificent, and will turn your lover’s lady bits into a leaky faucet.