Beautifully Bald

Bald is beautiful…at least that is what the follicly challenged want to believe. But listen, we will take a Bruce Willis or Vin Diesel any day when compared to a Trump Combover or Constanza Skullet.

But with that chrome dome on full display, it’s vitally important to keep it healthy, moisturized and smelling like a champ. Here’s a quick, easy bald balm for that cue ball.

bald_oil_balm

Diffusing at Home

We’ve talked a little about smelling great at work, but what about su Casa? Here are a few tried and true recipes that you can use around the house.

OFFICE OR MAN CAVE:

Diffuse in room for focus or because it smells amazing.

  • 2 drops Sandalwood
  • 2 drops any Evergreen scent (Cedar, Spruce, Fir, Pine, Juniper, etc.)

 

CLOSET/DRAWER:

Want your closet to smell like a country club? Try this one ol’ chap.  (Drop oil directly onto cotton ball and place in closet or drawer.)

  • 2 drops Lemon
  • 2 drops Frankincense
  • 2 drops Ylang Ylang

 

IN THE KITCHEN:

Diffuse in kitchen or great room – great for the Fall!

  • 2 drops Orange
  • 2 drops Cinnamon
  • 1 drop Ginger

 

GARBAGE:

That 4-day-old meatball sub is not doing you any favors. Before you put a sack in your garbage can, place a few drops of your favorite citrus (lemon, grapefruit, orange) in your garbage cans to help eliminate nasty smells.

 

Essential Oils for Sleep

essential_oils_for_sleep

Every night as I lay in bed, thinking about the sex I didn’t have, I can’t help but remember how easy it was for me to fall asleep when I was younger. Now I lay there – pondering life’s greatest mysteries like, what Fantasy QB should I start and would I sleep with Tina Fey?

Essential oils can relax the mind, calm the body and have you counting sheep in no time. Here are a few simple, manly smelling nighty-night potions to help you drift into an erotic slumber.

(The answers were Eli Manning vs. the Browns and definitely.) 

Essential Oils for Sleep – Manly Edition

Directions: mix drops in the palm your hand and rub on shoulders, wrists and temples before going to bed.

Option 1:

  • 2 Drops Cedarwood Essential Oil
  • 2 Drops Lavender Essential Oil

Option 2:

  • 3 drops Bergamot Essential Oil
  • 2 drops Cedarwood Essential Oil
  • 1 drop Marjoram Essential Oil

Learn about diffusing oils here.

Men’s Bath Salt

Yeah, I’ll say it. I love me a good bath…and I would venture to guess most men do. How could you not? A bath is like a mini hot tub, and every man loves a good hot tub. (I think it has to do with the Cinemax movies we watched in our early teens.)

But did you know baths can have health benefits as well? Baths are an excellent way to relax, relieve sore muscles and even detox. The best way to create a detoxifying bath is to use Epsom salt and essential oils. So fill up your mini hot tub, throw on some Journey and soak in this.

mens_essential_oil_bath_salt

Essential Oil Cologne

For those that question my commitment to this blog, I spent last night making concoctions in my kitchen, rubbing them over my hairy body and forcing my wife to sniff and snort my epidermis to see which of these colognes turned her into a puddle of pleasure.

I’m not going to lie – a few of the blends were disastrous to the senses. My “woodsmen” was more like a lumberjack’s asshole and my “David Hasselhoff” was hardly the Baywatch edition I was hoping for. It was more like the drunk, eating a hamburger off the floor edition Hasselhoff. (That’s a thing…google it)

So why essential oils colognes? Here are a just a few simple reasons:

  1. Most colognes are alcohol based – which means they will dry out your skin (which we have already learned is bad) and also evaporates quickly (which means the smell doesn’t last.) This, of course, does not apply to the guy that wears Drakkar Noir because that smell is never, ever, ever wearing off. At least it pairs well with the scent of his recent divorce and the year he peaked, circa 1993.
  1. Secondly, let’s look at a typical cologne ingredient deck:

Does any of that sound like something you should be spraying on your already decaying body? Trendy colognes are a toxic waste dump. It’s time to go all-natural.

So here they are…two tested and approved, all-natural colognes, guaranteed to get your dinky stinky or your money back.

DIY ESSENTIAL OILS COLOGNE

Directions:

  • Get a 10ml Roller Bottle (they are super cheap)
  • Fill it about 7/8 full of Jojoba Oil (or other non-scented carrier if you prefer)
  • Add Essential Oils Recipe
  • Shake well and rub it on wrists, and neck. (Avoid clothing!)

essential_oil_cologne_woods

essential_oil_cologne_earth

LEARN HOW TO MAKE A BLEND HERE

SINGLES FOR MEN

essential-oil-singles

Essential Oil Blends are like the ménage a trois of aromatherapy. They are new and exciting. There are a lot of moving parts, different smells…mmmmm…they are so soft, so smooth…ooh yeeeah…you are a naughty one aren’t you?  I don’t think that finger goes there little missy…

Wait, what? What were we talking about?

(Clears throat) Ummm right, oils. Blends can be great…(mmm, really great). But don’t think that you always need a hot threesome to get pleasure from an oil. There are plenty of monogamous essential oils that offer incredible health benefits, smell masculine and will become your go to wingman in a crunch.

As always, the oils I recommend are for men. These are lumberjacks had sex with ninjas had sex with Mother Nature smelling oils:

ESSENTIAL OIL SINGLES

(Remember to always mix with a carrier oil before applying directly to the skin)

Sandalwood: This rich and woodsy scent has a sweet note which makes it a favorite for high-end fragrances. Sandalwood has been used for millennia to instill a sense of inner peace and confidence. Sandalwood is also considered an aphrodisiac.

Uses: calming, stress reducer, dry skin, scars

People that smell like Sandalwood: Tom Hanks, Abraham Lincoln and Robert Downey Jr.

Cypress: This clear and refreshing scent has a masculine quality. Sandalwood is very popular in blends but can also be used for its deodorizing and astringent qualities.

Uses: mental focus, astringent, antiseptic, deodorizer

People that smell like Cypress: Sean Connery, Eddie Murphy in Trading Places (rich, not homeless character), Walt Whitman

Frankincense: This spicy and earthy scented oil is known for its spiritual and healing properties. Listen, it just sounds rich – the ladies will love it.

Uses: Reduce negative emotions (for those of you with weird mommy issues), great for overall skin health, immune health

People that smell like Frankincense: Robert De Niro, Jesus, Liam Neeson

Cedarwood: Nothing smells better than the rich, woody aroma of cedarwood. A grounding and calming oil, it is a favorite for diffusing.

Uses: anti-inflammatory, astringent, dandruff, stress

People that smell like Cedarwood: Lionel Richie, Nick Offerman, James Bond

Peppermint: It may remind you of a 9th grade French kiss, but peppermint can be much more than that. Peppermint is invigorating, refreshing and can even help with motion sickness.

Uses: nausea, headache, freshen, revitalize

People that smell like Peppermint: Leonardo DiCaprio, Leonardo da Vinci, and (oddly) the full cast of Dawson’s Creek

Citrus (Orange/Pink Grapefruit/ Lemon): Alright this is more like a category, but most men love the fresh smell of citrus. The truth is I diffuse Pink Grapefruit more than anything else. So man up and enjoy the power of the fruit.

Uses: cleansing (both emotional and your nasty bathroom), digestion, curbs food cravings

People that smell like Citrus: Lemon farmers, people who love oranges, most Popes

This list is far from complete and I will probably do a round 2 write-up at some point – but this will help get you started in your quest for oil monogamy. Enjoy!

 

 

 

DIFFUSING AT WORK

diffuser

A few lucky men become lumberjacks and firemen. For the rest of us, we sit in a small office or cubicle next to a guy named Kevin who likes to bring in leftover Indian food for lunch. On the other side we’ve got Jan eating baby carrots like a goddamn rabbit!  JUST COOL IT WITH THE BABY CARROTS JAN!

(Eh-hem…)

Let me guess, you would define your office interior decorating skills as “minimalist” meaning you are sporting a dirty coffee mug and a calendar from 2014. Might I make a suggestion? You spend 8 hours a day in that neutrally-hued carpet-walled prison, why not do yourself a favor and have it at least smell nice? (And let’s be honest, you can only blame your farts on Kevin so many times before Jan clues in. Plus, it might be nice to have a little something masking the brown air biscuits you are tossing out after lunch.)

The way I see it, you’ve got a few options.

  1.  You can go to Walmart and buy yourself a glade plugin or whatever the hell this is…air_fresh(No seriously, what is this?  If you have one of these in your office, home or cubicle you need to question your life choices at a foundational level.)
  2.  You can buy some sort of toxic air spray that will choke you, last for roughly 28 seconds and  alert the entire office you released a trouser cough.
  3.  I suggest the last choice. You can diffuse essential oils and make your work domain smell like a man.

All jokes aside, smells can have a big impact on our mood, focus and mind. Our brains reaction to smell is more powerful than any other sense. Just think of your favorite place in the world, or maybe your favorite Christmas memory – one of the first things your brain does is try and recall the associated scents. Smells can help us relax, elevate mood, focus and even horny…(Slow wink. Article to come.)

So I recommend moving that old coffee mug, throwing away the old calendar and slapping down a mini essential oil diffuser on your desk. The best part is that you can do so with your man card fully intact. Because the scents that I have on this page are manly to the core, pleasing to the sniffer and guaranteed to mask the hottest brown cloud you can muster. (Not really…I would still blame Kevin when they come out hot.)

EASY BREEZY OFFICE DIFFUSING BLENDS

  • The following blends are meant to be used in a cold-air diffuser. These diffusers usually require a small amount of water to be added, along with the oils. (Usually around 70 mL)
  • Follow the manufacturers directions on your diffuser.

 

1.)  FOCUS DANIELSON!

  • 2 drops Orange Essential Oil

  • 2 drops Peppermint Essential Oil

 

2.)  MAN CAVE

  • 2 drops White Fir Essential Oil

  • 2 drops Cypress Essential Oil

  • 2 drops Wintergreen Essential Oil

 

3.)  SPICEY CITRUS

  • 3 drops Orange Essential Oil

  • 2 drops Cinnamon Bark Essential Oil

  • 1 drop Clove Essential Oil

 

4.)  LUMBERJACK

  • 3 drops Frankincense Essential Oil

  • 2 drops White Fir Essential Oil

  • 1 drop Cedarwood Essential Oil

 

5.)  CHILL BRO, CHILL 

  • 2 drops Vetiver Essential Oil

  • 2 drops Cedarwood Essential Oil

…And might I suggest some noise cancelling headphones for Jan..AND HER F@!#ING BABY CARROTS!